Sweet Robin

If loss stories are too hard for you, please scroll to the bottom of the page for the pattern <3


I didn't think I'd be sitting here, again. Writing these words, again. Feeling so much heartbreak, again.

I wrote back in 2013, about how when we loose a baby, we join a club that noone ever wants to be a part of, but we don't ever get to leave. The Baby Loss Club. It's exclusive, but oh so painful. We're here and yet, we don't want to be. We'd give every ounce of our beings to trade that card in, hand it back, cash in our membership and walk away. We desperately wish we never joined this club.

Sadly, we can't. It's a lifetime gig. Now, I find myself a part of the frequent flyer section, of this horrible club. We lost another precious angel this weekend. We'd been trying to grow our family since we lost Alice this past December, and finally thought our luck was changing. Boy was I wrong. Friday was probably the unluckiest days in my life.

It's a long story. Its traumatic and horrible and cruel. I'm not ready to write it all out yet. Between broken machines and hospital stuff ups, I had one of the most horrible days on Friday that I have ever had. If it wasn't for the support of my best friend and my partner, I don't quite know how I would have made it through.

Having to call my partner and tell him that our baby, who should have been 12 weeks along, had stopped growing at just 9 and had no heartbeat, was right up there on the list of hardest things I've ever had to do.

Coming home to tell my girls, so hard. The words didn't want to come out. They didn't want to form. They have questions that I have no answers to, and probably never will. As a family, our hearts are broken. We've cried so many tears. We are devastated.

Surely you'd think that was enough for one day. Surely the universe can't throw anything else at someone who is already so down? You'd think so, but no. My partner drove my friend back to the hospital that evening to pick her car up (she'd driven me home in ours, I was in no condition to drive) and on the way there our car got ran into. Thankfully everyone was ok, but my poor car will need extensive repairs and will be out of action for a while.

When it rains, it pours, isn't that how the saying goes? Well it sure poured, because to top the day off, both me and Master J ended up with headcolds as well. Just what we needed!

It's been a crappy weekend to follow a shitty Friday. I'm left feeling horrible and broken and angry. I have so much angry to work through right now that I can't even start on working through all the other feelings I have.

Beautiful little Robin. Gone too soon. Joining Frankie and Alice.
I am 1 in 4
I am broken.

Sweet Robin

You Will Need
3.5mm hook
2.00mm hook
Yarn in a main and contrasting colours for body and black for the beak.
Fabric paint/plastic eyes/beads
Small amount of stuffing

BODY
With 3.5mm hook and main colour

1: 6sc into a magic ring, place marker - 6sc
2: *sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat around - 9sc
3: *sc in the next 2 stitches, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat around - 12sc
4: *sc in the next 3 stitches, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat around - 15sc
5: sc in teach stitch around - 15sc
6: *sc in the next 4 stitches, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat around - 18sc
7-8: sc in each stitch around - 18sc
9: sc2tg 9 times - 9sc
Stuff well
10: sc in the next stitch, sc2tg 4 times - 5sc

End off leaving a long tail, use the tail to close the remaining hole by gathering it shut.

CHEST
With contrasting colour and 3.5mm hook

1: ch5, sc in the 2nd chain from hook and each across - 4sc
2-3: ch1, turn, sc across - 4sc
4: ch1, turn, 2sc in the first stitch, 2hdc in each of the next 2 stitches, 2sc in the last stitch -8 stitches

End off. Row 4 goes to the bottom of the bird. Stitch it onto the front of the body.

TAIL
With main colour and 3.5mm hook

1: ch3, sc in the 2nd chain from hook and the next stitch -2sc
2-3: ch1, turn, sc in each stitch - 2sc
4: ch1, sc 3 times down the side of the tail, 2sc in each of the ch2 spaces from row 1 we used to start the tail, sc evenly 3 times up the next side, 2sc in each of the 2 top stitches, join to the ch1. End off leaving a long tail to attach to the body of the bird.

Wings x2
With main colour and 3.5mm hook

Into a magic ring, sc 4 times, trc 2 times, sc 4 times, pull tight and join to the first sc. End off leaving a long tail for sewing to the side of the body.

Repeat to make second wing.

BEAK
With black and a 2.00mm hook

Attach black yarn with a slst to the place on the face that you want the beak to be, chain 3 and then end off with a long tail. Using the tail stitch back through the same place you joined the yarn, so that the ch3 folds in on itself to create the beak. Secure both ends and weave in.

Use fabric paint or stitch on eyes, or use beads.

My Sweet Alice

Good morning lovelies.

I know, I know. It's been forever since I blogged. I fell off the grid for a while there. I promise though, there was a good reason for that, and Im hoping that today's pattern makes up for the lack of them in the last few months.

Around the start of November, after months and months and months of trying, my partner and I finally got the amazing news that we were expecting another wee baby. How exciting! How joyus!

With Christmas just around the corner we decided to tell nooone at all, and we would make little gifts up to announce on Christmas day. I wanted to pop ultrasound photos into clear baubles with some glitter and fake snow. How wonderful a gift would that be? What a surprise for the kids! We started dreaming of names, thinking up nursery themes, planning a future with more noise and love.

Mid November, things got scary. Lots of light bleeding. Things didn't feel.. right. Every time I spoke with the doctors they assured me it was ok. I even went to emergency once where I was assured again, levels looked fine. I was told there was no point in doing a scan, that was just a snapshot of the here and now and wouldn't provide any useful information. I had so many blood tests in a 4 week period and still was told everything would be ok.

On December 7th, I had my first visit with prenatal and was supposed to get all my paperwork in order, and officially be "on the books" When I told them about the bleeding, the midwife said she wouldn't finish my paperwork, that we needed to "Make sure there was still a pregnancy there first" before they would complete it. I mean, I understand why, but the way she said it, it was.. blunt. I had to go for bloods and had a scan booked for next week.

On December 8th, I landed myself in the ER with heavy bleeding, and we received the shattering news that our baby had no heartbeat. She'd stopped growing at just 9 weeks. The doctor wasn't even gentle about it, very matter of fact. After he told us, he was in the room for all of 2 minutes, told me to re-book with my GP and left. That it seems, was that.

Once again, for the second time in my life, I left the same damn hospital empty handed. Once again, my heart has broken. All my fighting for the last few years, and there is still nothing in place in my local hospital for early loss. It makes me so sad, and so angry.

How incredibly hard was it to tell people in the same breath that I was pregnant, but now I'm not anymore. What an impossible conversation, To date, only a handful of people know. It's hard to write it over and over. It's hard to start a conversation when you know you have nothing but sad news. It's hard to shove a smile on your face when you just want to cry. I feel bad for making people sad at Christmas. I guess that's why I waited until after Christmas to write this post. It's my way of letting the world know that my heart hurts.

We decided to name our angel Alice. She may not be here physically, but she will forever be in our hearts.

This little cradle keepsake is made in her memory.

You Will Need:
4ply Cotton Yarn (I used tootgarook cotton by Bella Baby)
2.00mm hook
Small bow

Starting chains don't count in the stitch count.

1: ch15, 2hdc in the second chain from hook, hdc in the next 12 chains, 4hdc in the last chain, continue working around the corner and back down using the same chains you have already crocheted into (to create an oval), hdc in the next 12 chains, 2hdc in the last chain, join to the first hdc. -32hdc (6cm long, 1.5cm wide)

2: ch2, 2hdc in the first stitch, 2hdc in the next stitch, hdc in the next 12 stitches, 2hdc in each of the next 4 stitches, hdc in the next 12 stitches, 2hdc in each of the last 2 stitches, join to the first hdc. - 40hdc (7cm long, 2.5cm wide)

3: ch1, sc in the same stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, hdc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * 3 more times, hdc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * once more, join to the first sc. - 48 stitches (8cm long, 4cm wide)

4: ch1, sc in the same stitch, sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, sc in the next 2 stitches, 2sc in the next stitch, dc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next 2 stitchs, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * 3 more times, dc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next 2 stitchs, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * once more, join to the first sc. - 56 stitches (8.7cm long, 5.5cm wide)

5: ch2, hdc in the back loop of the same stitch, hdc in the back loop of each stitch around, join to the first hdc - 56hdc

6-9: ch2, hdc in the same stitch, and in each stitch around, join to the first hdc. (3.2cm tall)

10: slst in the next 15 stitches, ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc in the next 23 stitches. - 24

11: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 8 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 8 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. - 21hdc

12: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 2 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 5 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in th next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. - 16

13: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. 10hdc

14: ch3, turn. Now this last row gets a little tricky, we're going to gather all the stitches together by doing one big dc10tg (yes, dc ten together) Here is how we do this...

yarn over, insert hook, yarn over, pull through , yarn over, pull through 2 loops, *yarn over, insert hook into the next stitch and yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through 2 loops* (3 loops on hook), repeat from * to * until you have used all the stitches and have 11 loops on your hook, yarn over once more and pull through all loops, ch1 to secure gather.

15: ch1, turn, sc evenly down the hood, (for me this was 8 sc), [[working in front loops only from here]] sc in the next stitch, hdc in the next stitch, dc into the next stitch *ch3, dc into the next stitch* repeat around until you have 2 stitches remaining before the hood starts, hdc in the next stitch, sc in the next stitch [[working around all loops now]] evenly sc up the side of the hood and join to the first sc. End off and weave in all tails.

Attach bow to the centre top of the hood.

Am Back!

With thanks to many many generous and amazing friends and family, I am now back up and running with a new pc. I can not thank them enough for helping me and without them I would still be running about trying to organise something. Thankyou! <3

This is all a little new to me, Ive been an XP gal for many years and Win8 is new and exciting but a little confusing. I'll take me a few days to get everything installed and set the way I prefer but there shouldn't be any gap in pattern releases. Im now in the process of typing up the 13 patterns I wrote while offline, so I guess the quiet time was good for something!

The other thing I want to talk about today is the fact that some typos have been popping up. Mostly this is because there are no testers besides myself looking at the patterns, and when your one person raising a family and running/working for multiple charities, well you tend to make typos. I'll be setting up a testers group (likely on FB or maybe Ravelry) of a few people so each pattern can be tested. It also means people will have some project photos to add which will give everyone a better idea of what the item looks like :D

Lastly, its been happening again, that is, people running off with my work and pasting the entire pattern (and the pics!) in other places. I know I have no way to police this, but please, if you want to share one of my patterns, link to the blog.
The advert clicks I receive here are the ONLY money I make on my patterns, and I want to keep them free for everyone, so sharing the links rather then pinching the entire texts is important (and its kinda illegal to pilfer someones work yo!)

Love ya's all, and happy crafting!

Pc Fried, Out of Action!

Oh darn it!

Unfortunately this week my pc of 8 years fried. Ive done some repairs/hand it looked at but it's still not working, and I'll be needing a new one. Until then, I wont be able to release any new patterns :(

I have set up a gofundme page, in the hopes that kind people might like to give me a hand, as Im running on empty lately and just don't have the money to replace my machine. It is entirely up to you. It would also mean a lot to me if you could all share the link via email, Facebook, Twitter, G+, Whatever social media site you use. I don't like to ask for help, and Im a proud and somewhat stubborn woman, but I simply can not continue to do patterns or any other charity stuff online without a computer and without a job and trying to raise 3 kids, well I don't need to tell you times are tough.

There are still some scrapkits scheduled and one more preemie item on the 14th, Thank to for Bloggers scheduling function! After that, well Im not entirely sure.

Anyway, here is the link. If you can help, I thank you from the very bottom of my heart, it means a great deal to me to beable to do what I do, and it would mean a great deal to me to have a bit of a hand <3

http://www.gofundme.com/6pupnk

My little Frankie

Today's post, and pattern, are both equally hard to write. I know that for some, this will be a hard read. For that reason alone, Ill be posting the pattern first. I understand if you don't wish to read on, but I am equally thankful for anyone that does. This hat, is not for a baby to wear, but more as a keepsake, an acknowledgement, a comfort.

My little Frankie

You will need:
2ply/3ply (Lace/light fingering weight yarn)
2mm hook

R1: Ch3, hdc 8 times in the first chain, join.
R2: Ch2, hdc twice in each stitch around, join.
R3-5: Ch2, hdc in each stitch around, join.
R6: ch1, sc in each stitch around join.

Make a very small pompom and attach to the top.



I know you are probably looking at this hat and wondering why on earth would there ever be a need for such a tiny tiny hat. A hat that fits on the tip of a womans finger. Why?

Well, let me tell you.
3 weeks ago, I pee'd on a stick and that stick told me TADAA you are having a baby! After a long time of trying, it was a moment of excitement, of joy, of happy. A dream of future things and little smiles and tiny toes to blow raspberries on. Quickly, take another test! We have to make sure this is right! 3 sticks and a blood test later, and we'd confirmed that we were indeed having a baby! We nicknamed it Frankie. We told very few people, we wanted to wait a little.

2 weeks ago, the dreams were pushed to the backburner as anxiety set in and I started with some light spotting. No worries, Im thinking. A lot of women spot, some even have entire periods while pregnant! I can deal with this. The next day it was a little heavier, and I decided ok, gotta go get this checked out.
After a lengthy ER visit with my bestie, I had bloods done and a scan and discovered I was 5 weeks, 2 days along and my tiny little Frankie, was in a little itty sack all of 5cm.
Go home, they said. Take it easy. We wont know much but you know a lot of women do spot, if you get crampy or pass clots come back.

On Monday this week, at 6 weeks, 1 day, I sat again in the ER awaiting blood results.

I became a member of a community that to date, Id only supported.

The lady doctor who'd been treating me walks over to where I am sitting in a crowded waiting room. I knew, I knew the second she came over. Every other person was just called out to, and they stood and went. No, she walked over, clipboard in hand. She says to me "Would you like the results here or do you wish to go to elsewhere?"
I knew. I knew and I was angry. Angry that she had thought that it was an ok thing to break the news that my little baby was gone in a packed waiting room. Packed, as in, no sitting room wall to wall people wedged in like sardines. How the heck did she think that was an ok thing to ask?

So I reply with "Id like to go somewhere else, obviously!"

No, we didn't get lead to a room. We got led to a seat at a table in the kiosk, and there she told me that unfortunately it was not good news, my hormone levels were dropping and that there would be no baby.
I'd knew, Id guessed and now Id had confirmation. I wont say I took it ok, I bawled, and I sobbed, and I had the whole snot running down your face thing going on and she just sat there not saying a word.
Once I manage to regain some sort of composure she tells me "It was so early that you wont need any procedure. Go home, let nature take its course, go see your GP in 2-3 days" and with that she stood, shuffled her papers on her clipboard and left.

No time to ask questions. No support. No anything.
In a cruel twist of irony Id left that hospital in the one way Ive spent the last 2 years working against. Empty. With empty hands and an empty heart. I wasn't even offered a flier on grief, or a support group. Nothing.

Its hard to know what to write. I lost Frankie. We lost Frankie. Frankie had passed on. Nothing really sounds right, nothing made sense. What I do know, is I have not lost my fight to change the way early loss and loss in general is dealt with. For a brief moment, I had a baby. It was real, it was there. It was tiny and loved and so very wanted from the very second that line turned blue, it was wanted. Noone has the right to dismiss that like it is nothing and noone, noone ever, should leave the hospital empty handed. I can promise you, I will fight like heck to change that!