Wednesday, December 28, 2016

My Sweet Alice



Good morning lovelies.

I know, I know. It's been forever since I blogged. I fell off the grid for a while there. I promise though, there was a good reason for that, and Im hoping that today's pattern makes up for the lack of them in the last few months.

Around the start of November, after months and months and months of trying, my partner and I finally got the amazing news that we were expecting another wee baby. How exciting! How joyus!

With Christmas just around the corner we decided to tell nooone at all, and we would make little gifts up to announce on Christmas day. I wanted to pop ultrasound photos into clear baubles with some glitter and fake snow. How wonderful a gift would that be? What a surprise for the kids! We started dreaming of names, thinking up nursery themes, planning a future with more noise and love.

Mid November, things got scary. Lots of light bleeding. Things didn't feel.. right. Every time I spoke with the doctors they assured me it was ok. I even went to emergency once where I was assured again, levels looked fine. I was told there was no point in doing a scan, that was just a snapshot of the here and now and wouldn't provide any useful information. I had so many blood tests in a 4 week period and still was told everything would be ok.

On December 7th, I had my first visit with prenatal and was supposed to get all my paperwork in order, and officially be "on the books" When I told them about the bleeding, the midwife said she wouldn't finish my paperwork, that we needed to "Make sure there was still a pregnancy there first" before they would complete it. I mean, I understand why, but the way she said it, it was.. blunt. I had to go for bloods and had a scan booked for next week.

On December 8th, I landed myself in the ER with heavy bleeding, and we received the shattering news that our baby had no heartbeat. She'd stopped growing at just 9 weeks. The doctor wasn't even gentle about it, very matter of fact. After he told us, he was in the room for all of 2 minutes, told me to re-book with my GP and left. That it seems, was that.

Once again, for the second time in my life, I left the same damn hospital empty handed. Once again, my heart has broken. All my fighting for the last few years, and there is still nothing in place in my local hospital for early loss. It makes me so sad, and so angry.

How incredibly hard was it to tell people in the same breath that I was pregnant, but now I'm not anymore. What an impossible conversation, To date, only a handful of people know. It's hard to write it over and over. It's hard to start a conversation when you know you have nothing but sad news. It's hard to shove a smile on your face when you just want to cry. I feel bad for making people sad at Christmas. I guess that's why I waited until after Christmas to write this post. It's my way of letting the world know that my heart hurts.

We decided to name our angel Alice. She may not be here physically, but she will forever be in our hearts.

This little cradle keepsake is made in her memory.





You Will Need:
4ply Cotton Yarn (I used tootgarook cotton by Bella Baby)
2.00mm hook
Small bow

Starting chains don't count in the stitch count.

1: ch15, 2hdc in the second chain from hook, hdc in the next 12 chains, 4hdc in the last chain, continue working around the corner and back down using the same chains you have already crocheted into (to create an oval), hdc in the next 12 chains, 2hdc in the last chain, join to the first hdc. -32hdc (6cm long, 1.5cm wide)

2: ch2, 2hdc in the first stitch, 2hdc in the next stitch, hdc in the next 12 stitches, 2hdc in each of the next 4 stitches, hdc in the next 12 stitches, 2hdc in each of the last 2 stitches, join to the first hdc. - 40hdc (7cm long, 2.5cm wide)

3: ch1, sc in the same stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, hdc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * 3 more times, hdc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * once more, join to the first sc. - 48 stitches (8cm long, 4cm wide)

4: ch1, sc in the same stitch, sc in the next stitch, 2sc in the next stitch, sc in the next 2 stitches, 2sc in the next stitch, dc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next 2 stitchs, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * 3 more times, dc in the next 12 stitches, *sc in the next 2 stitchs, 2sc in the next stitch*, repeat from * to * once more, join to the first sc. - 56 stitches (8.7cm long, 5.5cm wide)

5: ch2, hdc in the back loop of the same stitch, hdc in the back loop of each stitch around, join to the first hdc - 56hdc

6-9: ch2, hdc in the same stitch, and in each stitch around, join to the first hdc. (3.2cm tall)

10: slst in the next 15 stitches, ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc in the next 23 stitches. - 24

11: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 8 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 8 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. - 21hdc

12: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 2 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the next 5 stitches, hdc2tg, hdc in th next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. - 16

13: ch2, turn, hdc in the same stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the next stitch, hdc2tg, hdc2tg, hdc in the last stitch. 10hdc

14: ch3, turn. Now this last row gets a little tricky, we're going to gather all the stitches together by doing one big dc10tg (yes, dc ten together) Here is how we do this...

yarn over, insert hook, yarn over, pull through , yarn over, pull through 2 loops, *yarn over, insert hook into the next stitch and yarn over, pull through, yarn over, pull through 2 loops* (3 loops on hook), repeat from * to * until you have used all the stitches and have 11 loops on your hook, yarn over once more and pull through all loops, ch1 to secure gather.

15: ch1, turn, sc evenly down the hood, (for me this was 8 sc), [[working in front loops only from here]] sc in the next stitch, hdc in the next stitch, dc into the next stitch *ch3, dc into the next stitch* repeat around until you have 2 stitches remaining before the hood starts, hdc in the next stitch, sc in the next stitch [[working around all loops now]] evenly sc up the side of the hood and join to the first sc. End off and weave in all tails.

Attach bow to the centre top of the hood.


14 comments:

  1. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Sometimes people just don't understand that you love your baby right away, before the child arrives and takes her first breath. She will always be in your heart.

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  2. Oh my I am so sorry to hear your devastating news. My thoughts are with you all xx

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost one at about the same time period in my pregnancy (40+ years ago). Still wonder if it was the little girl I desired. I did have a rainbow baby about a year later.

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  4. My heart is with you and your Husband, I have no idea how you both must be feeling at this moment. I wish I could find some miraculous words of instant comfort, sadly there are none.
    Just be assured you are loved and don't lose heart.
    Big hugs xxxxxxx

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  5. This is a beautiful tribute to your angel Alice. I know your pain. I will make one to honor Alice.

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  6. I'm so sorry to read of your loss. Big hugs to you and your family xx

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear this, that your little Alice was gone so soon, and that you weren't well cared for at the hospital. Your experience must have been so frustrating! I've tried to make changes in my hospital too, tried to get early loss packages to grieving mommas, but they have rarely been given. I ache for you to have to experience it first hand after all of the work you've done. While that part wasn't the best, I love your precious cradle, and I hope making it gave you some comfort. (hugs)

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  8. I am very sorry for your loss, there are no words that could possibly describe such painful loss. God bless you!

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  9. So, so sorry for your loss. Alice will always be with you in your heart, and this is a beautiful tribute to her.

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  10. I am so sorry that Alice's stay was so very short. I'm also sorry that there was little compassion. You deserved better care. I don't know what that loss feels like, but hope that you find some peace.

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  11. I'm so sorry for your losses. I have lost 3 myself, all since Dec 3 of last year. Our last baby, Violet, stopped growing at 9 weeks as well due to Turner's Syndrome. What a lovely way to remember your sweet angel.

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  12. I'm so sorry for your loss its so heart breaking to read your blog, As a grandmother now and my first grandchild was lost at 11 weeks, have a rainbow granddaughter and she is such a blessing. may god be with you both to comfort you while you deal with your loss.

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  13. Im so very sorry for your loss of your little Alice. I have 2 grandsons that i cherish daily from my oldeat boy, but now my youngest boy is having his first baby its a girl! She is having a rough go as well shes 21 weeks today and we have just found out she has a build up of fluid in her belly and may need a blood transfusion but we have to try and get her to 24-26 weeks in case of early labour. I work in health care, you didnt deserve that kind of treatment at all im sorry thats how you were treated. Most of us try so hard to treat aĺl with compassion and sincere empathy but the problem is you have those that just dont care anymore. I say they should find a new profession if their ability to care is gone. God Bless you and your family on such a terrible loss. A beautiful tribute to Alice. Xo

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  14. I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for comfort as you grieve.

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